Flexibility
by Bird of Poetry
Summary: "I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative." A cracktastic crossover.


"Mmmm, cinnamon bun," Rose groaned between bites of her pastry. "You were right, Doctor. This _is_ the best bakery in the galaxy."

"'Course I'm right. Nine hundred years of time and space, you learn a thing or two about interplanetary cuisine," the Doctor said smugly.

Jack just snickered.

"What's so funny?" Rose demanded.

"The way you talked about that cinnamon bun - it reminded me of a guy I dated once…"

The Time Agency cafeteria has a lot of things going for it. It's got great decor, cuisine from three different galaxies, all customized to your metabolism. The one thing they never had, though, was good dessert, at least for carbon-based life forms. Some of the silicon-based life forms at the Agency told me that the volcanic sand pudding from High Alterra was quite the delicacy. I ended up bringing my own dessert to the cafeteria, when I was in the mood for a little sugar - the baked goods kind of sugar, anyway.

So, one day, I went to the cafeteria and saw this good-looking guy. He had olive skin, curly hair, kinda feminine features - really knew how to work the androgynous look. Lucky for me, he was sitting at a table all alone, so I brought my lunch and my box of desserts and sat down next to him. We introduced ourselves, and he told me his name was Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. We talked a little, until he got distracted by my…assets.

"Captain Jack, you have wonderful buns. Bunzuh. Bunzzzz."

"Oh, don't tell me," Rose interrupted, clearly struggling to hold back her giggles. "He was talking about the cinnamon buns you'd brought!"

"Got it in one. I've met a lot of people in my time, but _never_ have I met someone so obsessed with some hot buns as Aximili."

"So then how'd you charm the bloke?" the Doctor said, a mischievous smile spreading across his face. "That line must have put you off your game."

"Not for a second."

Well, of course I gave him some. Never let me be accused of not being generous with my buns. You should have seen him. He devoured them like a man possessed. I thought it was pretty adorable, so I told him how cute he looked with the frosting smeared all over his nose.

"Do you have more teeth than most humans, Captain Jack? You seem to have so many when you smile. Also, they are very bright and white. Ite."

"I don't know," I said. "Wanna find out?" When we kissed, it was pretty clear that his was his first time with someone outside his species. Not that I minded. You might say I have a bit of a flair for deflowering.

So there we were in the middle of the cafeteria, and he was halfway in my lap by then, and breathing all heavy. "You have an impressive mating drive, Captain Jack."

"That's not the only thing I have that's impressive," I told him.

Aximili got all wide-eyed and innocent, as if he had no idea what I had in mind. "What would that be, Captain Jack?"

"Come to my quarters and find out."

"So then he had to morph back into his natural form," Jack said, grinning like the cat who got the cream.

"Wait, so that's not what he really looked like?" said Rose.

"Nope. He was an Andalite. Sort of like a blue centaur, but with a scorpion tail, four eyes, and no mouth."

The Doctor groaned. "An Andalite? Can't stand those arrogant sods. Think they're lords of the galaxy because they developed fancy technology before most anyone else."

"Reminds me of a certain alien who thinks he's lord of the universe 'cause he's got a fancy time machine," Rose said archly. Before the Doctor could come up with a retort, she turned back to Jack. "So you actually slept with a bloke who had four eyes and no mouth? Why didn't you want him in human form?"

"Guy was the size of a big deer." Jack winked. "Use your imagination, Rose."

The Doctor cut in. "_Please_ tell me you knew about the…" He made a vague gesture with his hands.

"Of course I knew about that, Doc. That was the best _part_."

"What was?"

"Nothing," the Doctor said, a little too hastily.

"No harm in telling her. She can handle it. It's only - "

"Only give her nightmares for weeks. And she'll never be able to look at you the same way again."

"Maybe she _shouldn't_ look at me the same way again." The glint in his eye suggested filthy acts that probably hadn't been invented yet.

"Well, I'm not going to stop bothering you until you tell me, so you'd best get over with now," Rose insisted.

The Doctor leaned in very close and told her. "Oh," she said. "Wait, how is that even possi - _oh_."

"Got it now?" the Doctor said, looking more than a little smug.

"Jack Harkness, you are a lot more _flexible_ than I'd ever imagined." She smiled, her tongue peeking out between her teeth. "But I could still beat you at gymnastics."


End file.
